Saturday, October 15, 2016

The difference

I don't know why it is different to be hugged,kissed and told I am beautiful, by a handsome near stranger named Ryan at Ashker's. The flower- wearing sidewalk chalk artist who unbeckoned showed me so much love in an afternoon, in the sun. Why was his affection different from the affection of another near stranger who hugged me just as warmly and found me charming and happened to be a woman?

What is the difference?

Could it be that when my women friends compliment me, it is an unspoken fact that woman who care about you are obligated under the natural law of sisterhood, to be a beacon of light and a lifter of spirits, by encouraging and giving the thumbs up, when our smiles get turned upside down.

What is the difference?

When I am hugged by a strong man, I feel protected and special, but whe a strong beautiful sister hugs me, I feel loved but in a different way.

I sometimes say that same sex friendships for me are like bread and butter, meat and potatoes kale & quinoa. The sustenance a  girl needs everyday

so why is a man's attention affirmation and affection like dessert or an unexpected meal to go, for free. It is a surprise or a special treat.

It is not the way with every interaction with men, but if a man is appealing to my heart or mind or eye, I am almost made shy by a compliment or an unexpected encouragement.

I don't want you all to think that I don't crave the time, affection and encouragement of my beautiful, life-sustaining lady friends. They are like air! I need them consistently and constantly to be in my corner to laugh and cry with, with which to be raw, unfiltered and vulnerable. They are soulmates, the closest of them, but I amt taken aback when unbidden, out of nowhere, a man tells me that I have a nice smile, or that my makeup makes my eyes pop, or when a stranger hugs me like an old friend.

I think I expect mento find me to be annoying, unattractive, too much, too big of a personality, too needy, too intimidating, too LOUD, too outspoken, too this and that, that when I am a steadying presence, or a listening ear, or a source of comfort and peace, it warms the cockles of my heart.

Men are tough. They are simply, generally not drawn to me, like most women, so when one heads towards me in some positive way,I revel in the oment, or the months or the years and pose these philosophical questions to make myself feel better about simply enjoying the attention. haha

Girls will be girls

Laurens will be laurens.

no shame here, just settling into my womanness. The truth is I enjoy interacting with people, some more than others and I find some small comforts in the positive, reinforcements of my femininity. I feel more like a woman, than an unapproachable beast, when masculine energies are drawn to me. eh, it is what it is.

There is no difference. I know what makes me feel love, what reminds me of the ultimate source of love ( God,of course) I know what points me to truth and dispels all of the lies I keep believing about myself. a smile, a day spent with beautiful loving individuals. Whether the hug comes from a sidewalk chalk artist who shares a flower child love with me in a fleeting moment, or from Charissa, a hugger to the utmost, I FEEL and KNOW love through touch...quality time...smiles, shred experiences...

you get the point. the difference is only between to lovers and the haters.

Don't hate, it's time to pro-rate the love experience for the world.

Luv is a verb. Thankyou DC Talk.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Shades of blue :)

Goodness, how I related to this quote when I found it on Facebook! I have a couple of guy friends at work who are color blind and it isn't that they can't see color, but rather have difficulty discerning shades of certain colors!
 I find that to be the case in my life,when it comes to the other most well-known sex. Men will meet me in a funny or witty moment, connecting with me, as I casually interact with them, not holding back my weirdness too much, and letting my feminine freak flag fly in the distance. Basically, I am myself. There is laughter, an acknowledgement of my intelligence, and sense of humor and even a Thank you, friend, you are so kind, but then color blindness sets in.

The rainbow of my amazing-ness becomes dull or looks like the amazingness of everybody else, I imagine. There is no differentiation. I fade into the background. bummer.

Can any of them see color? The vibrant ROYGBIV of me?

Am I as colorful and beautiful and bright as I have come to believe?

Well,yes, but the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow remains unclaimed.

Still I shine. :)  Glittery love, full of life and potential. I am a catch, a dime piece, a rare DOUBLE RAINBOW! I know this, and though I stretch out over all of my world, the promise of life and second chnces, I remain, in some creepily tangible way, alone.

Still I shine. Still I shine.

A brave face is what I wear, because I have no other choice! It is challenging out here, though. A girl just wants a leprechaun to visit her and take her out... wait, this analogy stinks.

A girl just wants a partner in crime! :)  All of my closest friends are far away, and none of them want to cuddle anyway. :) haha  Anywho, I am not dying of loneliness, I have my head on straight. I know it is more convenient to be single, so I . shine.on.

Go. live life, embracing the friendship of all of the colorblind ones and little by little teaching them to see shades of blue.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Less Is More!

I feel like marriage happens when two people who enjoy each other, decide that the other is the person they want to share suffering in life with. 

If a person does not think they can escape bad guys, go on a spontaneous adventure, hike the Himalayas, face the death of a loved one, or go on a road trip with you, you will not be a likely candidate for life long companionship.

Apparently, I am not that kind of material . Haha. Hiking the Himalayas is not something this body could do easily, or outrunning bad guys. 

I get why men don't pursue me: I am more of a liability than a risk . I am the reason we got caught. I am the reason he has to turn down opportunities to explore the heights and depths of creation! I am the one who holds him back.... In his mind.

He sees only my limitations, not my potential... Funny, since all I see in him is potential, despite his limitations.

He sees shame and potential  rejection from others because of me, and so he reflects some of the same onto to me.

"You don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, do you?" 

And then you've missed the point.

You have all missed the point.
As much as I would like to believe that this road of being seen as fat as a single woman is ok with me, well, it is not.

I know, everyday that I am complicit, that my adult weight struggle revolves around my lack of discipline, my emotional journey, and so many other things.
I know that people do not understand why...
Like, what is wrong with her?
She has been overweight forever!

I agree, but it does not make me less loving, less hilarious, less compassionate, less intelligent, less

Less, yes, it does hold me back, but I am not content to stay this way.

I am open to inspiration, to someone who would come alongside and love me right where I am, and reach into my big ole' heart and pull me close.

One thing you should understand: my worth is not found or sought out in the minds of others . Whether I am ever loved, found attractive , coupled with someone or not, whether I am the fun fat girl forever or I become the skinny girl , I do not define myself by my weight or acceptance rate. 
So, in the end, I am going to be me with or without a mate !

Monday, February 15, 2016

Day 1

Right smackdab in the middle of two weight loss challenges, which I started strong, I find myself 2 pounds away from what looks like a reset! Seriously?!!


I know that the habits that keep me from good things, better things, healthy things, is the stinking emotional connection that I have with food.

I know that I ate entire bars of chocolate, not once, not TWICE, but 3 times last week.


I was most likely feeling sorry for myself that I want so badly to have a companion, that anything that is an indulgence would be my "vday present to myself"

Nope. Bad idea. Backfired.

Now I have gained 6 pounds in one week. really?? yes, really. sigh...

Treating myself with kindness is not obliterating my path to success with backwards-walking, or overeating, or allowing my emotions to take center stage.

Look, I view the role of food in my life similarly to Michael Pollan.

Eat food
mostly plants

The problem is eating too much of the non-food: candy, cookies, etc.. and ignoring the boundaries that deepen the intimate relationship with myself.

If I really loved me, if I really  valued being able to bend over or squat down to tie my shoes, paint my toes or touch the floor, I would treat myself with respect. youwould seriously believe that I do not like myself, by the way I abuse my digestive system.

My health is all over the place.

It sucks. I know how I feel, but I am getting in my own way.


If I am going to have that Elsa/ Anna kind of live for myself, than I had better get my act together, I will not be deprived, I will not miss out. if I can just inch forward without falling backwards down the stairs, which is what has happened in the last 7 days, then I will be amazed at what I am capable of.

Am I really that afraid of change? I aspire to be more like Rachel Fisher. She has lost more than 20 lbs. with all kinds of things that could hold her back. She is a winner! I want to be a winner!

:) I am sick and tired of losing battles, instead of fat! See what I did there?

I deserve more. Doi really want my future to look like my present??

Ughhh, no!

I am miserable in this heavy body. I know there is muscle hibernating underneath the layers of shame, disappointment and frustration. I know that I want my body to align with my mind! People see me and must e so confused, because I talk a healthy game, and look like a now...let's not resort to name-calling.

The obesity of my form does not match the fitness of my mind. I have convinced everyone but myself that I am a healthy-minded person.

sigh... I just need to get the hell out of my own way, so that I actually can be!

God made me for so much more...

Day 1.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Processing out loud

I did it, guys! I did the impossible, twice! This girl got out of bed at 4 in the morning and worked out!
I would like to give a shout out to the God who created the earth, and makes the weather. He gave us some unseasonably warm mornings, that aided my ability to ignore the early time and just get the heck out of bed, and get my butt downstairs.

Potty stop...
   change into clothes...
        pick a DVD
           turn on the light

Get Moving!


So simple. :) haha I do start to feel sleepy a bit earlier in the day, though... Yaaawwwnnn...

I have not done it two days in a row, but Monday and Wednesday morning seemed to work well. Sigh...

Progress, but of the slowest kind. It took a few years to get this big, so I suppose it will take a few to get un-big.

This little voice of fear wimpers, "Geez, I hope I don't have to be skinny before some poor schmuck falls in love with me." Then I remember something noone told me, but that I have seen time and time again: Love knows no size. :) haha. I usually ignore that voice: fearofloneliness and hope in the aforementioned weather God/lover of my soul/ Lord of all creation and trust that I will be taken care of, that my heart will be full, no matter who chooses to love me. He loves me; isn't that enough?

Where does that little voice come from? Why do I crave companionship beyond the occasional friend date?

Really, logically speaking, I am a social being who likes to do things that are fun, and sending out mass message to the collective, searching for a friend is exhausting! It would be so great to just have a go-to friend who will do fun things with me. Of course I don't want to stop there in my desire for a "do-stuff buddy" I have seen marriages fail, because that was why they joined souls.

I desire an other to make history with.

I have best friends, or rather, a small group of people who live inside of my heart in the most intimate way, but not one of them (aside from my brother) lives close by. It is honestly quite difficult to function some days....meaning to say that I  am ridiculously in need of a real partner in crime! My aunt is down for some things, and I have fun with her, but man, I long for an all around life partner, you know?

I mean, life was good between 2011 and 2013 and then it changed, but by then I was getting used to having close friends nearby. Life just keeps changing and yet my desire for companionship has never wavered. IT is my flag in the night, my steady rock, my got-to heart passion. Be intimate with me, as a human being. Love me as a human being. Hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, talk to me, listen to me, pray with me, be my friend, the best there is. Craving fr human connection. Yeah, it is strong some days-the desire for more that I can see and touch.

 Processing out loud.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Take Aways from Nicole Antoinette

The Life Less Bullshit Manifesto

Stop freaking out. Things are always worse in your head than they are in real life. Everything is going to be okay. No really, it is. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. This is your life, start living it.
Be more you.

Find what inspires you, and mainline it. Find what moves you, and move. Find what keeps you up all night, and stay up all night. Get worked into the frenzy of being who you really are.
Decide what’s of ultimate importance, and ignore everything else. Only do work that you believe is great work. If you feel lost, join something bigger than yourself. Appreciate being a part of something, instead of stressing to be all of anything.

When you don’t know where to start, just start. If you don’t know where the beginning is, start in the middle, or start at the end. Just start, and keep going. Take the biggest risk you can think of. Take another. And another. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have enough time, or enough money. What’s “enough,” anyway? Forget about the big picture and let yourself wander aimlessly among the details. You don’t need a plan or a treasure map or a neon street sign, and you certainly don’t need to be the best. All you need to do is start, and then make one good decision after another. Being the best never comes right away.

Pay attention to the moments in which you feel pure joy. Express gratitude, out loud and often. Stop checking your email in bed; there are better ways to start the day. Read memoirs. Read fiction. Read poetry. Never stop reading. Go outside, even in bad weather. Buy yourself a present, even without an occasion. Wear pink shoes, even if they don’t match. You never need a reason to do what you truly feel like doing.

Stretch your mind, and your body, and your soul. Move and bend and jump and push; be faster and stronger and healthier than you were yesterday. Pursue growth. Listen to all the reasons you shouldn’t go, and then go anyway. Let yourself fall into the hole – there’s always a way out. Let other people help you out.

Choose a personal anthem and give yourself a lapdance. Make up words, and use them. Identify what you need to say, and say it. Be loud about the things that matter.

Set healthy boundaries. Work with people you respect. Value your time and your work and your creative energy. Put a price on what you create, and charge it. Show up more often. Ask interesting questions. Share more than you’re comfortable sharing. Write down your core beliefs and read them every day.

Find your people, the ones who make you feel good and beautiful and whole. Treat them like they matter, because they do. Treat yourself like you matter, because you do. Don’t be afraid to let people see that you are messy and flawed. We’re all messy and flawed.

Stop wanting what you don’t want. Define life for yourself. Decide what it means to you to be happy and dedicated and alive. Live by your own definitions. Pick something to perfect, and perfect it. Pick something to stop caring about, and refuse to give a shit. Don’t waste your energy on things just because other people do. Spend less time obsessing and more time actually doing. Forget about yesterday. Stop over-planning for tomorrow. Yesterday and tomorrow are just romanticized versions of today.

Choose today.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Onomatopoeia In My Soul

The calls come in throughout the day, some funny, some confusing, others banal.
...and then

...there are...

a special group of calls that come in 2-3 times a week, or more, if I am especially being targeted by the ENEMY OF MY SOUL!


These are the people who call and are unredemptively snarky, full of venom and pent-up anger. These are the non-darlings that spit hot fire, and I don't mean the rapping kind. These jerks are the humans who have been wronged in other areas of their lives and choose me as a target of all that has ever created pain in their hearts.

These are the callers that were the topic of a short conversation I had last night with some friends.
I was explaining that I start out calm, with the intention to stay calm, no matter what the person says, and then I slowly start melting into a pile of lava...

and then, as I attempt to interject myself into the monologue, my insides shake and I just want to be " not on the phone."

"It just stays with me."

" It stays with you, huh?"

"yeah, it gets lodged in my emotional being."

" Like a THUNK in your soul?"

"Like a thunk in my soul..."

It only takes a combination of weariness and the meanness of another broken human being to bring dark clouds into my heart. Even though my mind logically dismisses the ridiculousness of others' coping mechanisms for life, something holds on to the manipulating, the straight up nasty behavior of people who create drama to bring some sort of false meaning to their own lives.

It emotionally drains and strains me.

I don't like it.

That is all.