Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Let it Rain

Sometimes a song resonates with where I am in my life...


I wish I were pretty I wish I were brave If I owned this city Then I'd make it behave And if I were fearless Then I'd speak my truth And the world would hear this That's what I wish I'd do, yeah If my hands could hold them you'd see I'd take all these secrets in me And I'd move and mold them to be Something I'd set free I want to darken in the skies Open the floodgates up I want to change my mind I want to be enough I want the water in my eyes I want to cry until the end of time I want to let the rain come down Make a brand new ground Let the rain come down Let the rain come down Make a brand new ground Let the rain come down tonight I hold on to worry so tight It's safe in here right next to my heart Who now shouts at the top of her voice Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice And I always felt it before That the world was filled with much more Than the drowning soul I've learned to be I just need the rain to remind me...

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Sometimes I feel like a change would be an amazing fire it underneath me, but I have to be imagining the change, because things have been the same for so long, I don't know how to change. So, if the rain from the Heavens, from my eyes, could wash away this ground, that is the earth where I am rooted, than new ground could be laid,and I could...change, for the better. My roots would stay connected, but the ground above would be replaced with fertile soil, where good things can grow. It sometimes feel like it is all ash and dead things. I need a hurricane....tsunami, spring storm to thunderbolt light it up and burn it all away.
Jesus! Do the thing! Be my rain.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Be Like Rick!




This is a set of pics from an article titled " 10 jobs that make you gain weight" Now, of course the sedentary positions many of us hold are a contributing factor to poorer health, creaky joints, weird muscle aches, bum knees, swollen ankles and tight/ill-fitting clothing, but... well, there are some really fit people in offices!
There are a plethora of reasons why I have gained so many lbs. in the last 3 years, AND A trip to the doctor solidifies that uncomfortable feeling in my body! But I must keep moving forward! I feel good about the days ahead, full of positive change and renewed perspective about it all! e'errrything. Stand by. My weekend was full, but refreshing in many ways. A lot of thoughts flashed through my head, in the midst of spending time with loved ones, new and old. Taking a drive down a forgotten road, couple with hours of laughter and hugs from old friends creates a unique sense of nostalgia, that gets the wheels a-turnin'.

A short conversation with a friend who is pursuing a new dream, women who were once in middle school, are getting married and having babies 3 and 4....

Feeling refreshed after working out in a way that challenges my oh-so-sedentary body! Realizing that what challenges my body these days is different from the challenges of months and years past. Understanding that I need to have loving patience with myself, but that said patience stems from a consistent,. intentional effort to move out of this hole of not-so-healthy life that I have fallen into. MY entire world needs to shift!

All of this to say...change gonna come. A little bit at a time, I have to fight for my quality of life. I have to fight the urge to self-sabotage, and eat all of the foodstuffs in front of me. ( I mean, ALL of the things go in my mouth, some days! it is so bad.)



There is a story in the Bible about a blind man who...well, why don't you just read it...in The Message version:

Even on the Sabbath

1-6 Soon another Feast came around and Jesus was back in Jerusalem. Near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there was a pool, in Hebrew called Bethesda, with five alcoves. Hundreds of sick people—blind, crippled, paralyzed—were in these alcoves. One man had been an invalid there for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him stretched out by the pool and knew how long he had been there, he said, “Do you want to get well?”
The sick man said, “Sir, when the water is stirred, I don’t have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in.”
8-9 Jesus said, “Get up, take your bedroll, start walking.” The man was healed on the spot. He picked up his bedroll and walked off.
9-10 That day happened to be the Sabbath. The Jews stopped the healed man and said, “It’s the Sabbath. You can’t carry your bedroll around. It’s against the rules.”

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Jesus was all, " Dude, do you even want to get well?"  I mean, bruh, you been sitting by this pool of healing for like, a million years... If I am going to heal you with my words #SonofGod  #supernaturalpower  I need to know that you really, actually are ready for change, that you want to live and walk in the healing that only I can give ( becasue my Father is God-Lord of Lords, creator of the universe) 

Then the guy was like, " Jesus, yes yes, let's do this! Right?

NOPE.


He was all, " Excuse, excuse, excuse, I'm scareeeddd, I don't know how to live life in a state of wellness. I don't know how to be well! Will I screw that up, too? 

Guess what? Instead of Jesus going all Batman/ Robin on the dude, he waits patiently and then when he has heard enough of this guy's lame ass excuses, he COMMANDS him to get up, and walk.


Yes! Now that is what I am talking about! So, guess who just took a look back at the story and realized that the excuse guy... we'll call him Broderick, or Rick for short, so Rick was jacked up for 38 YEARS! Do you know how old I am?

Like, my birthday just passed...

ha. ok, (This guy)

So, I just turned 38!  38, y'all!  ...and just like Rick, I live my life with excuses. I am so tired, it is true, and my iron and vitamin D levels are low, it is also true. I sit all day long, at a job I am at once grateful for, and exhausted by, I started this job as a fat girl,I eat all of the things, In order for me to be an intentional, on purpose mover, Most weekdays, I have to get up at dawn's beautiful butt crack, 4am. so, who doesn't want a morning nap instead of working out in a cold living room? (raises hand) Me. So, we start again. We drink the water at work, we focus our eating energies majorly on the foods that nourish this poor broke down body.Perhaps this week, this week before I travel to Canada, I begin a new journey, one that will take me to a place of healing.

Maybe, like Rick I can just pick up my mat and WALK! I can be confident that Jesus, the aforementioned Son of God and Healer extraordinaire, will use me as an instrument in my own healing process. There is brokenness in me that I want made whole. I can't keep this up, this not caring, this feeling lost in fatigue. I was made for more and more is waiting for me on the other side of surrender and dually, determination to NOT STAY HERE.

It is surely time to get up and walk into my healing! 




Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Jessie Owens Inspires a Blog post :)

So,I just watched the last, roughly half hour of a movie about Jessie Owens, a young Black man who set records in the Olympics for sprinting, running and the like. His records were not broken for 25 years!!

He struggled with going to Berlin to participate in the Olympics because of the murdering and abuse of Jews during that time by the Nazi regime. He ends up competing and shattering all kinds of glass ceilings.

He recieved 4 gold medals and came home to a million cheering people in the streets, of all races and economic standings. Then he goes to attend a dinner at a fancy hotel that is in his honor! The dinner is for him!! He has to enter the hotel through a service entrance, instead of proudly and with class, through the front door.

As he and his beautiful wife make their way through the kitchen, to the service elevator, a young white boy, nervously and with excitement asks for Jessie's ( Mr. Owen) autograph.

My eyes welled up with tears thinking about all of hate in this world and the rightful fears of many and the ridiculous power that others have. The feelings of helplessness that many have due to the angry people who would seek to destroy others' lives, are appropos, but there is more to this story!

There is hope for a future of love and beauty, of truth and joy, of healing and peace, wholeness and LIFE.
That little boy saw a hero in a man who represented his entire country in another country that was facing a tremendously strange and devastating time. That man, who worked hard and broke walls and busted through boundaries, and WON 4 GOLD MEDALS, was NEVER publicly acknowledged by the White House, whilst he lived. Ten years after his death he received a medal of commemoration posthumously...

His life continues to inspire others and we keep moving, mostly forward. I choose hope over fear, though there have, for the first time in my life, been uneasy feelings as I watch and hear of terrible things. God is still everywhere and His kingdom is creeping in and taking over. Watch it Satan, you. won't. win.

Just sayin'... :)

Saturday, October 15, 2016

The difference

I don't know why it is different to be hugged,kissed and told I am beautiful, by a handsome near stranger named Ryan at Ashker's. The flower- wearing sidewalk chalk artist who unbeckoned showed me so much love in an afternoon, in the sun. Why was his affection different from the affection of another near stranger who hugged me just as warmly and found me charming and happened to be a woman?

What is the difference?

Could it be that when my women friends compliment me, it is an unspoken fact that woman who care about you are obligated under the natural law of sisterhood, to be a beacon of light and a lifter of spirits, by encouraging and giving the thumbs up, when our smiles get turned upside down.

What is the difference?

When I am hugged by a strong man, I feel protected and special, but whe a strong beautiful sister hugs me, I feel loved but in a different way.

I sometimes say that same sex friendships for me are like bread and butter, meat and potatoes kale & quinoa. The sustenance a  girl needs everyday

so why is a man's attention affirmation and affection like dessert or an unexpected meal to go, for free. It is a surprise or a special treat.

It is not the way with every interaction with men, but if a man is appealing to my heart or mind or eye, I am almost made shy by a compliment or an unexpected encouragement.

I don't want you all to think that I don't crave the time, affection and encouragement of my beautiful, life-sustaining lady friends. They are like air! I need them consistently and constantly to be in my corner to laugh and cry with, with which to be raw, unfiltered and vulnerable. They are soulmates, the closest of them, but I amt taken aback when unbidden, out of nowhere, a man tells me that I have a nice smile, or that my makeup makes my eyes pop, or when a stranger hugs me like an old friend.

I think I expect mento find me to be annoying, unattractive, too much, too big of a personality, too needy, too intimidating, too LOUD, too outspoken, too this and that, that when I am a steadying presence, or a listening ear, or a source of comfort and peace, it warms the cockles of my heart.

Men are tough. They are simply, generally not drawn to me, like most women, so when one heads towards me in some positive way,I revel in the oment, or the months or the years and pose these philosophical questions to make myself feel better about simply enjoying the attention. haha

Girls will be girls

Laurens will be laurens.

no shame here, just settling into my womanness. The truth is I enjoy interacting with people, some more than others and I find some small comforts in the positive, reinforcements of my femininity. I feel more like a woman, than an unapproachable beast, when masculine energies are drawn to me. eh, it is what it is.

There is no difference. I know what makes me feel love, what reminds me of the ultimate source of love ( God,of course) I know what points me to truth and dispels all of the lies I keep believing about myself. a smile, a day spent with beautiful loving individuals. Whether the hug comes from a sidewalk chalk artist who shares a flower child love with me in a fleeting moment, or from Charissa, a hugger to the utmost, I FEEL and KNOW love through touch...quality time...smiles, shred experiences...

you get the point. the difference is only between to lovers and the haters.

Don't hate, it's time to pro-rate the love experience for the world.

Luv is a verb. Thankyou DC Talk.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Shades of blue :)


Goodness, how I related to this quote when I found it on Facebook! I have a couple of guy friends at work who are color blind and it isn't that they can't see color, but rather have difficulty discerning shades of certain colors!
 I find that to be the case in my life,when it comes to the other most well-known sex. Men will meet me in a funny or witty moment, connecting with me, as I casually interact with them, not holding back my weirdness too much, and letting my feminine freak flag fly in the distance. Basically, I am myself. There is laughter, an acknowledgement of my intelligence, and sense of humor and even a Thank you, friend, you are so kind, but then color blindness sets in.

The rainbow of my amazing-ness becomes dull or looks like the amazingness of everybody else, I imagine. There is no differentiation. I fade into the background. bummer.

Can any of them see color? The vibrant ROYGBIV of me?

Am I as colorful and beautiful and bright as I have come to believe?

Well,yes, but the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow remains unclaimed.

Still I shine. :)  Glittery love, full of life and potential. I am a catch, a dime piece, a rare DOUBLE RAINBOW! I know this, and though I stretch out over all of my world, the promise of life and second chnces, I remain, in some creepily tangible way, alone.

Still I shine. Still I shine.

A brave face is what I wear, because I have no other choice! It is challenging out here, though. A girl just wants a leprechaun to visit her and take her out... wait, this analogy stinks.

A girl just wants a partner in crime! :)  All of my closest friends are far away, and none of them want to cuddle anyway. :) haha  Anywho, I am not dying of loneliness, I have my head on straight. I know it is more convenient to be single, so I . shine.on.

Go. live life, embracing the friendship of all of the colorblind ones and little by little teaching them to see shades of blue.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Less Is More!

I feel like marriage happens when two people who enjoy each other, decide that the other is the person they want to share suffering in life with. 

If a person does not think they can escape bad guys, go on a spontaneous adventure, hike the Himalayas, face the death of a loved one, or go on a road trip with you, you will not be a likely candidate for life long companionship.

Apparently, I am not that kind of material . Haha. Hiking the Himalayas is not something this body could do easily, or outrunning bad guys. 

I get why men don't pursue me: I am more of a liability than a risk . I am the reason we got caught. I am the reason he has to turn down opportunities to explore the heights and depths of creation! I am the one who holds him back.... In his mind.

He sees only my limitations, not my potential... Funny, since all I see in him is potential, despite his limitations.

He sees shame and potential  rejection from others because of me, and so he reflects some of the same onto to me.

"You don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, do you?" 

And then you've missed the point.

You have all missed the point.
As much as I would like to believe that this road of being seen as fat as a single woman is ok with me, well, it is not.

I know, everyday that I am complicit, that my adult weight struggle revolves around my lack of discipline, my emotional journey, and so many other things.
I know that people do not understand why...
Like, what is wrong with her?
She has been overweight forever!

I agree, but it does not make me less loving, less hilarious, less compassionate, less intelligent, less

Less, yes, it does hold me back, but I am not content to stay this way.

I am open to inspiration, to someone who would come alongside and love me right where I am, and reach into my big ole' heart and pull me close.

One thing you should understand: my worth is not found or sought out in the minds of others . Whether I am ever loved, found attractive , coupled with someone or not, whether I am the fun fat girl forever or I become the skinny girl , I do not define myself by my weight or acceptance rate. 
So, in the end, I am going to be me with or without a mate !

Monday, February 15, 2016

Day 1

Right smackdab in the middle of two weight loss challenges, which I started strong, I find myself 2 pounds away from what looks like a reset! Seriously?!!

Yes.

I know that the habits that keep me from good things, better things, healthy things, is the stinking emotional connection that I have with food.

I know that I ate entire bars of chocolate, not once, not TWICE, but 3 times last week.

why?

I was most likely feeling sorry for myself that I want so badly to have a companion, that anything that is an indulgence would be my "vday present to myself"

Nope. Bad idea. Backfired.

Now I have gained 6 pounds in one week. really?? yes, really. sigh...

Treating myself with kindness is not obliterating my path to success with backwards-walking, or overeating, or allowing my emotions to take center stage.

Look, I view the role of food in my life similarly to Michael Pollan.

Eat food
mostly plants
NOT TOO MUCH.

The problem is eating too much of the non-food: candy, cookies, etc.. and ignoring the boundaries that deepen the intimate relationship with myself.

If I really loved me, if I really  valued being able to bend over or squat down to tie my shoes, paint my toes or touch the floor, I would treat myself with respect. youwould seriously believe that I do not like myself, by the way I abuse my digestive system.

My health is all over the place.

It sucks. I know how I feel, but I am getting in my own way.

#selfsabatoge

If I am going to have that Elsa/ Anna kind of live for myself, than I had better get my act together, I will not be deprived, I will not miss out. if I can just inch forward without falling backwards down the stairs, which is what has happened in the last 7 days, then I will be amazed at what I am capable of.

Am I really that afraid of change? I aspire to be more like Rachel Fisher. She has lost more than 20 lbs. with all kinds of things that could hold her back. She is a winner! I want to be a winner!

:) I am sick and tired of losing battles, instead of fat! See what I did there?

I deserve more. Doi really want my future to look like my present??

Ughhh, no!

I am miserable in this heavy body. I know there is muscle hibernating underneath the layers of shame, disappointment and frustration. I know that I want my body to align with my mind! People see me and must e so confused, because I talk a healthy game, and look like a ..now now...let's not resort to name-calling.

The obesity of my form does not match the fitness of my mind. I have convinced everyone but myself that I am a healthy-minded person.

sigh... I just need to get the hell out of my own way, so that I actually can be!

God made me for so much more...

Day 1.