Thursday, August 27, 2015

?? and also ?? Well, I say, "Fight for the more!"

As an never-dated single 36 year-old woman, I am consistently reminded of the beautiful Christ-centered life I have been groomed for ( whether I succeed at living it out everyday, or not)I have been taught my worth!
My flesh kicks in sometimes. It says, " Yeah!! Boys!! Let's make out and get all lusty! Grope, grope, SEX! haha. But my brain returns to my heart and I am reminded of both the things I don't want and the things I want more than the aforementioned things!

When I get a compliment from a half-decent looking man, my logic turns down, and all I see are lips for kissing and arms for hugging and legs for cuddling, and and, well, you know, ahem... ... haha. Then, I take a step back and engage in a little self-talk!

Girrrl, don't be crazy!
   He smokes pot? ugh, no.
        he is way too preoccupied with Boobs and butts and, eww...
  I appreciate his honesty, but, uh...really??
  Why is his grammar so bad?
    He is NOTHING like the man I need, deserve or really even want.

He is to me as I am to him: ( pardon my vulgarity) A piece of ass.

I have to have more! I want more. I was made for more! So, I will hold out until the cows come home, if that's what it takes to guard my precious somethings. I will NOT give my heart or body away to " some dude," and any man who just woos me to get in my pants, is just SOME DUDE.

My life was bought with a price and is daily preserved, sustained and (ideally) transformed by that sacrifice. So, I will wait and wait wait, and live and love and breathe... and bask in the glory of my precious worth.
I will stay sane when all the world has gone bat sh*t crazy. Seriously! Life really is more than just the momentary pleasure of an orgasm....(or even the hope of one-HA)


Aim higher, people. You were definitely made for much more than what this world has to offer! Fight for the more!

Monday, May 11, 2015

Buds on Flowers

These clouds in my eyes... I want to paint them 

I want to swirl the brush and make them fluffy white. expectant 

Spring is surely in the air!

                          the birds 

                          the trees 

                          the buds on flowers that inch upward from the ground with life. expectant

The whole of my existence contained in this moment

This moment full of the promise of future joy, the hope of love. 

In this present experience, I am believing, for all that is true and real.

In my bosom lies the waiting birth of dreams and desires manifested in 




  Therefore, I am.... the clouds 
                             the birds 
                             the trees 
                             the buds on flowers inching upward from the ground. 

   I am spring.
   I am expectant 
   I am life.

You Are Love

There you are

 where have you been 

   I've been impatiently waiting for you. now you're here loving all my broken parts; 
    speaking life into my sadness
       embracing my darkness and filling it with your light. 

You're a reminder of all that is good, of all that is right. 

             You are love and I am loved by you.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Elsa Got It Right

Heartbreak in the form of a violently, silently severed friendship.

          A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen...

You broke my heart, you did. I believed in the gift of connection that felt so right, so true.

         Can't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.

I trusted the giver of that gift even when I Could.

When I found that I’d given you the whole of my heart in the name of 'seeing your full potential',

and I realized that you’d wooed me by disclosing your present weaknesses, past hurts and future dreams; that you’d duped me, by welcoming me into your bleeding heart,
I then understood why I was so entirely devastated by the hole you ripped in mine.

Conceal don't feel, don't let them know, well now they know.

Perhaps you feigned trust.
Perhaps… you tricked me.
Perhaps, you tricked… yourself. Because, when you walked away from me, I heard you speak only in the guilt-bloated silence of misplaced shame. In your eyes, I saw the unasked questions, the unexplained actions and my unresolved pain from your lack of communication.
I could hear the accusation on your breath, feel the icy cold of a severed bond in the earth beneath my feet, the vibrations of your back- turned denial of all we ever shared.

            Let it go, Let it go…let the storm rage on

Here I stand stronger, but scarred by the fallout of a year long, movie screen-worthy explosion of the sudden demise of a... Friendship?
     at least that is what I thought it was.
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small...

Never mind now.

      In some healing way I have moved on, in some real way I have let you go.

I'm free!

I am no longer frozen in the unbelievable stigmatizing pain of loss, of the poison-filled non goodbye that defined the end of something that is, well, no more.

No one actually understood. Not one soul could relate to my angst, to my anger, to my chaotic dealings with the flood of emotion that claimed months of my precious existence.

I invested in you
  I chose you
... You chose me and then like a bad dream, though fully awake,

Heartbreak in the form of a violent silently severed friendship. Yeah, you broke my heart...

but, Here I stand, in the light of day...

      The cold never bothered me anyway.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Lady of War

I have been a Warrior, fighting with you.

For you.

For you, I have found myself compromising the safety of my heart; I have poured myself out, into the lap of your soul. From within, I gently rub away the darkness and there is where you join me, scraping away the lies and painting over the scuff marks, with the light, the color of healing...

   Healing is what you said you wanted,
      Healing is what you said you needed,
          Healing is what I saw you doing...

I have been a Warrior, on the front lines with you.

For you.

I've never felt that I was fighting alone, while you sipped lemonade in the sun.

You were always right there with me.

         For me?
               I  let you woo me with well-meaning phrases:

     "You're the best"    "You're my big hero"  "You're such a good friend."

       "I love you, goodbye."

            I thought you were hanging up for the night, it turns out, you were hanging up for life.

I'll miss those bloody battle cries, and the hope of victory we shared, but I am looking to the future without you and

             Healing is what I want
                Healing is what I need
                   Healing is what I'll be doing.

I will be a Warrior, fighting

For me.

Monday, April 20, 2015

I see the stars

Why do I find it so easy to love you?  The man who is exclusively mine, until another comes along, and the story then changes, so quickly, in that small space between re-connect and comfortable.

You walk me to my car, as we gaze at the stars. A pair of friends, hearts intertwined.

You and me, we walk and gaze.

She clings to your arm, occupying your thoughts and pulling you into her chaos. You walk in like a superman savior hero and gaze adoringly into her sad eyes. She snapped you up with a wink and a tear.

  And now I walk and gaze alone.

No more of the chivalry, the end always comes. No more feeling that this will last forever, though I knew from the moment we first met, that it was the beginning of the end.

It is in this final understanding, in this tying up of the loose ends of my heart that I wonder to myself out loud, if I really will love you in this way forever, or if my forever only lasts as long as you remember that I exist.

Have you forgotten me already, my friend?
Am I that easily replaceable?
Will you miss me when I am gone?

...Each question, answered in my heart before it leaves my lips, and yet I continue on in this way, with a guard on my heart, as I walk. and gaze. alone.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

One breath

                     one breath across the canvas

  no time for starts and stops, the disruption of hesitant brush strokes, marring the beauty, abruptly ending the continuity of love's reach

                     one breath across the canvas
take me wholly, as I am, receive all I choose to give.

No questions asked, no eyebrows raised, no motives, save the fulfilled desire
 to lavish my soul's supply on you.

Broken and beautiful, taking you wholly, as you are, receiving all that you choose to give. I will love you...

                     one breath across the canvas, my heart is yours