Monday, April 27, 2015

Elsa Got It Right





Heartbreak in the form of a violently, silently severed friendship.

          A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen...

You broke my heart, you did. I believed in the gift of connection that felt so right, so true.

         Can't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.

I trusted the giver of that gift even when I Could.
     Not.
        Trust.
              You.

When I found that I’d given you the whole of my heart in the name of 'seeing your full potential',

and I realized that you’d wooed me by disclosing your present weaknesses, past hurts and future dreams; that you’d duped me, by welcoming me into your bleeding heart,
I then understood why I was so entirely devastated by the hole you ripped in mine.

Conceal don't feel, don't let them know, well now they know.

Perhaps you feigned trust.
Perhaps… you tricked me.
Perhaps, you tricked… yourself. Because, when you walked away from me, I heard you speak only in the guilt-bloated silence of misplaced shame. In your eyes, I saw the unasked questions, the unexplained actions and my unresolved pain from your lack of communication.
I could hear the accusation on your breath, feel the icy cold of a severed bond in the earth beneath my feet, the vibrations of your back- turned denial of all we ever shared.

            Let it go, Let it go…let the storm rage on

Here I stand stronger, but scarred by the fallout of a year long, movie screen-worthy explosion of the sudden demise of a... Friendship?
     at least that is what I thought it was.
 
It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small...

Never mind now.

      In some healing way I have moved on, in some real way I have let you go.

I'm free!

I am no longer frozen in the unbelievable stigmatizing pain of loss, of the poison-filled non goodbye that defined the end of something that is, well, no more.

No one actually understood. Not one soul could relate to my angst, to my anger, to my chaotic dealings with the flood of emotion that claimed months of my precious existence.

I invested in you
  I chose you
... You chose me and then like a bad dream, though fully awake,

Heartbreak in the form of a violent silently severed friendship. Yeah, you broke my heart...

but, Here I stand, in the light of day...

      The cold never bothered me anyway.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Lady of War

I have been a Warrior, fighting with you.

For you.

For you, I have found myself compromising the safety of my heart; I have poured myself out, into the lap of your soul. From within, I gently rub away the darkness and there is where you join me, scraping away the lies and painting over the scuff marks, with the light, the color of healing...

   Healing is what you said you wanted,
      Healing is what you said you needed,
          Healing is what I saw you doing...

I have been a Warrior, on the front lines with you.

For you.

I've never felt that I was fighting alone, while you sipped lemonade in the sun.

You were always right there with me.

         For me?
              
               I  let you woo me with well-meaning phrases:

     "You're the best"    "You're my big hero"  "You're such a good friend."

       "I love you, goodbye."

            I thought you were hanging up for the night, it turns out, you were hanging up for life.

I'll miss those bloody battle cries, and the hope of victory we shared, but I am looking to the future without you and

             Healing is what I want
                Healing is what I need
                   Healing is what I'll be doing.

I will be a Warrior, fighting

For me.

Monday, April 20, 2015

I see the stars

Why do I find it so easy to love you?  The man who is exclusively mine, until another comes along, and the story then changes, so quickly, in that small space between re-connect and comfortable.

You walk me to my car, as we gaze at the stars. A pair of friends, hearts intertwined.

You and me, we walk and gaze.

She clings to your arm, occupying your thoughts and pulling you into her chaos. You walk in like a superman savior hero and gaze adoringly into her sad eyes. She snapped you up with a wink and a tear.

  And now I walk and gaze alone.

No more of the chivalry, the end always comes. No more feeling that this will last forever, though I knew from the moment we first met, that it was the beginning of the end.

It is in this final understanding, in this tying up of the loose ends of my heart that I wonder to myself out loud, if I really will love you in this way forever, or if my forever only lasts as long as you remember that I exist.

Have you forgotten me already, my friend?
Am I that easily replaceable?
Will you miss me when I am gone?

...Each question, answered in my heart before it leaves my lips, and yet I continue on in this way, with a guard on my heart, as I walk. and gaze. alone.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

One breath

                     one breath across the canvas

  no time for starts and stops, the disruption of hesitant brush strokes, marring the beauty, abruptly ending the continuity of love's reach

                     one breath across the canvas
 
take me wholly, as I am, receive all I choose to give.

No questions asked, no eyebrows raised, no motives, save the fulfilled desire
 to lavish my soul's supply on you.

Broken and beautiful, taking you wholly, as you are, receiving all that you choose to give. I will love you...

                     one breath across the canvas, my heart is yours

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Soul Chatter

Underneath my chest, burrowed between my ribs, there you are. I used to think you lived in my heart...I was wrong; I was right. You take up the spaces between, betwixt my breasts full of nurture, like a mother who's child is fed at her bosom. My lungs, are filled with the clean crisp air of longing, for. You. Are. Beyond and before, afar and nearby.

You are embedded in my soul.

Exactly when did your existence begin to matter so much to me?

 Why has my core begun to wrap itself around the mere idea of. your. breath on my cheek?

Who are you, brazenly waltzing into my world, unannounced, taking over where only darkness had been.

What do I do with the constant disappointment of our daily separation, on the account of our separate lives?

Where do I begin to trace the origins of this hopelessness of loving you?

Yet, within all, beyond the questioning and wondering, the analyzing of the steps we took, to bring us to this place, I know, and I believe.

 I see. You.

And I know that our hearts, intertwined, will relieve the pain of emptiness,
as nearer still they are drawn, the entirety of my complete self, centered all at once,
 in the wake of your smile.

Smitten in twitterpated glory.

Lord, chile!

Monday, April 13, 2015

You want more???


  1. Today, my personal theme is based on a hymn that my friend Bernard wrote, entitled"a long obedience in the same direction." Seriously, I  just want to move forward in a consistently healthy healing way. Being consistent in my pursuance of physical health has been inconsistent at best and completely ignored at least. I want to keep moving forward embracing a more healthy life, to stop living in this half assed existence of being one who speaks health into others but just can't seem to live it out! I want more! So I inch forward into more. 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

I don't know why you say... I say...

I love you more than an end-of-conversation heartfelt quickie of the mouth

"Love you, bye."
"love you, bye."

You are embedded in my soul.

  There are not enough words to contain the whole of my love for the whole of you.

When my heart is breaking for you, when you pain is like an old companion that visits you way more often than you'd like, when you pour it out like a sacrificial offering to the gods of peace, I have little to say.

My being aches for you, and my love, it grows for you.

Deeper it goes, as a diver for treasures scores the ocean floor in search of treasures not yet remembered.

  This love opens up wide to swallow you whole, wholly inviting all of your pain and joy and brokenness and longing, and remembering, and forgetting, and lacking, and fulfilling, into its depths.

God said that his love, that HE covers over a multitude of offenses. All that does not invite us to truth is sin. Love covers over and recreates. He takes the ugly,the PAIN, the broken, the chaotic,the perverted the misunderstood, the failings and misdemeanors and turns it into something

SOMEONE beautiful.

THAT is the love I have for you, the all-consuming kind. I want to pull you so close that you feel more warmth of healing than you do pain. I want to soothe you, comfort you, hold you in earnest, blocking out the bad, drowning out the deafening silence of darkness, and dragging yo ass into the light. This love will keep pursuing you long after you have...forgotten...my..name.

But for now, you should know that you are embedded in my soul. I am fighting for you.

Love you, bye.